My mother passed away in 2015. She was 91 years old and I believe she was ready. Most of those who mattered to her were gone and she spent her final days alone with assistance from one of my brothers. Those final five or six years (perhaps more – I’m not sure) were stressful to my older brothers. There was/is a lot of verbal fighting, name calling and hurt feelings that may never be mended. I stayed out of most of this, because I’m away from them. I do carry guilt, but that’s a small price.
Why mention the above? Because of a conversation I had with my son and his wife early last year when I visited them in Florida. From the distance, I watched the already strained bond between my brothers’ break because of the care that our mother needed. In her final days they hated each other (no better word) and sadly they seemed to hate her. Because of this I told my son and daughter-in-law that I made the decision to never let this happen to them when the time comes that I might need help surviving. If the time comes that I can no longer make my own decisions, I believe I’ve been here to long and I will need to take care of the situation. I will not allow what took place around my mother to happen with those I love.
OK – I usually don’t discuss the topic of suicide with those who matter, because… well for most it’s a bit frightening. I mentioned the above with Lisa and she got upset – said it would be a selfish act. I understand that and between you (the less than a handful who actually read this blog) and me, I’m not talking about doing anything in the near future – hopefully. As long as I have my health, I will probably still be around. The first condition for remaining among the living is that I stay relatively healthy (physically and mentally). The second condition is that I believe I’m doing more than taking up space. LOL – yeah I know that’s a tough one for some to grasp. It means I have to have hope that by remaining here I still have the ability to do more than breathe, eat and sleep.
Done – I’m not going to justify my feelings more so than I have. Don’t freak out – my current situation does make me think about this subject more, but there are still a lot of pluses in my life… a lot.